So anyway, the fact that I have not posted recently is due to laziness; I have been wanting to write, but either I was busy that day, or I had spent a majority of the day doing homework. As much as I felt I should do a bit of writing, the effort just wasn't there, as I instead felt like either playing my guitar or some computer games (I've recently brought Amnesia, and have been getting into that). This fact, that my desire to be lazy rather than do something lasting, creative and also that would benefit the public (in the end, I would also enjoy the writing once I started) really got to me, I feel rather guilty for not sticking to the rough plan I had laid out in my head for this blog, and I feel a little disappointed in myself. This is a common thing for our species really, with our naturally excessive hopes and dreams, then the reality of the limits what it is possible for us to achieve due to either our enthusiasm, or just the impossible nature of the task. So in a sense, this is not really anything of note.
However, the reason that I felt like posting about this is partially because I wanted to actually have a subject to write about from the start, as I tend to write in the way that the general subject will come to me after I begin writing. The main reason though, was because at the moment, disappointment is something of a recurring theme in my life at the moment. This is not disappointment in anything around me, but purely of myself; possibly that I am falling for the age old mistake of expecting too much of life, but I think that it is due to me not taking all my opportunities given, and being lazy when it is me that must make the effort with things.
Now, Don't think I am outright lazy. because despite what I have just said, I am willing to put effort in, but it is either not enough, or just my personality holds me back.
The main area that this is concerning me is at school (6th form, to be precise). It is to do with the two main issues that I feel are the most important to me; education and social sphere. I hold myself entirely responsible for all my failings in these areas, because well frankly, I am given good opportunities to learn and make friends, but I just hold back.
I find on the education side of things, I am generally doing well, most things I understand in lessons, and I get all the required work done in time. But I would say my main problem is that I either forget how to do things (this mainly occurs with maths, as for me, it's the hardest subject I take) or don't spend my time wisely. In my mind, I say to myself how much additional work I would like to achieve, say on a weekend, and I happily put aside sunday, that could be used for my own enjoyment (meeting friends for instance); I do this, but then my failings show themselves. As the recent past has shown me, I tend to be very easily distracted and procrastinate heavily. This leads me to work by flipping back and forth between work and either playing games, or facebook or other such pointless activities, achieving almost nothing. As the day continues on, I will get work done; albeit slowly. This work however, is usually set homework, that must be finished in the next couple of days. I will get all my necessary work finished without a problem, but then usually this leaves me with only a couple more hours till I should probably get to sleep at, and as a rule, I tend to wind down in the evenings, relaxing, doing whatever I like. So the day has therefore been rather wasted, and this can really weigh heavily on my mind, leaving me with a feeling of underachieving and disappointing myself.
I'm not too sure how I can change this, as frankly, procrastination is a part of human nature, and I seem to take it rather to an extreme. We all say this repeatedly, and in the end don't get it done, but I am going to attempt to change this habit, possibly by leaving all possible distractions out of the equation, or just be harsh to myself, and force myself to work without a break.
That was my personal educational problem. I feel this article has gone on a little long, so i'm not going to write for ages about my social life within school. Pretty much, I talk to people in lessons, and other there are people I get on with, but out of lessons, I find it much harder, as
a) I find it hard to be sociable in a group of people I don't really know
b) I am naturally really shy with new people, depending on how they react to me
c) With quite a few people I find it harder to relate to than I do with other friends I have outside of my educational establishment
These are main things that hold me back, because well I, not surprisingly would like to be sociable and make new, lasting friends, but well, as those shy types would probably understand it is hard. Not that I haven't tried, I have made progress in terms of friendship, but the progress has simply come to a halt. Or even, I am expecting too much..who knows?
Anyway, so I should change my attitude, go out of my comfort zone and take a leap of faith, hopefully it will advance me to my current social aims!
I hope this post doesn't seem depressing, because that wasn't really the aim. I wrote this for those with similar thoughts to me to reflect upon, and in the end, I personally feel that I wrote this in a positive manner, showing that i'm not giving up :)
Also, big news: my 'about me' panel has now been corrected!
For my next post, I think I will write about a friend of mine, that requested a shoutout a little while back, however, they will remain anonymous because...well, just because!